What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
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I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
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She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My life is pants optional.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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