things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
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Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
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My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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