Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
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Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
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I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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