Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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