Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
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I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
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I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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