I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize