so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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