No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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