Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
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Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
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My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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