I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
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I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What a dumb baby whore.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
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I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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