I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize