today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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