You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
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Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
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My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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