Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
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If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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