Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
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I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
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So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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