sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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