so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
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We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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