I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
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i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He better not be in your backpack
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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