the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
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...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Be still, my beating vagina.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
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If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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