not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
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I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize