Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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