I never want to see another naked old woman again.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
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Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
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The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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