I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize