Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize