Texts From Last Night

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  (503): View more from Oregon

  My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.

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  (503): My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it. http://tfl.nu/89xj
  Replies (40) Good night (5256) Bad night (3516) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

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  (970): just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address.... http://tfl.nu/ivpp
  Replies (28) Good night (6134) Bad night (1899) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.

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  (814): I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer. http://tfl.nu/a96i
  Replies (33) Good night (1040) Bad night (3237) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.

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  (773): My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended. http://tfl.nu/c9ao
  Replies (38) Good night (1351) Bad night (3636) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  that would be two times in a week with two different guys.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?

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  (816): that would be two times in a week with two different guys. (913): they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right? http://tfl.nu/b8ql
  Replies (21) Good night (4018) Bad night (1015)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.

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  (973): as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage. http://tfl.nu/z7ah
  Replies (10) Good night (551) Bad night (2710) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.

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  (217): dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws. http://tfl.nu/yoz5
  Replies (5) Good night (1029) Bad night (1227) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race

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  (925): you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race http://tfl.nu/3da3
  Replies (8) Good night (4089) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.

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  (210): Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night. http://tfl.nu/uzh8
  Replies (9) Good night (2417) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.

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  (740): The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting. http://tfl.nu/j3yf
  Replies (8) Good night (508) Bad night (1206) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels

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  (204): God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels http://tfl.nu/dxhw
  Replies (12) Good night (965) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.

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  (812): No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety. http://tfl.nu/ybkw
  Replies (5) Good night (807) Bad night (412) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.

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  (914): Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade. http://tfl.nu/3ila
  Replies (3) Good night (1211) Bad night (328)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.

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  (301): He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession. http://tfl.nu/9fz9
  Replies (3) Good night (598) Bad night (182) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass

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  (630): Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass http://tfl.nu/dssk
  Replies (4) Good night (315) Bad night (132) Order T-Shirt

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