Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
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After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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