Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NoShamevember. You game?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Randomize