I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
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He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
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So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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