So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
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He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
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Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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