Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
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true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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