i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
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So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
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And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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