I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
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his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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