he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
farters have to be the big spoon...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
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just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
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I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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