the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
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Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
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The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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