Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My cat gives me a boner
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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