My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
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Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
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I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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