Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
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Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
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tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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