how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
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You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
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I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
This is my gift to your gina
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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