Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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