I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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