Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize