Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
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Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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