i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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