Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
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Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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