Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize