this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
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I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
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I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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