It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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