he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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