..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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