Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
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It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
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